When My Daughter Is Away With Her Dad
When my daughter was two and a half, my ex suggested that he take her on a holiday for six days next time he was in Sydney. I liked the idea of her having some time away with her dad. And although I wanted them to build their relationship up and have a great bond, I felt it was too long a trip to have for their first alone time together. He had also been in and out of her life a lot up until that point. At one stage he was out of the picture for over seven months. I suggested a shorter trip first and on his next visit, if she coped OK, they could go for six days.
Away with her dad…
When they went off for their two nights together, it was an emotional roller-coaster for me. My ex’s lack of communication with me during that time was the hardest part for me. He didn’t respond to the text messages I sent him or answer his phone. Nor did he call me. I understood that it was their time together, but as a full-time single mum whose small child was away with her dad for the first time ever, I just wanted to make sure she was coping OK. And I wanted to ensure that she knew I wasn’t abandoning her.
I was also imagining the worst…
Had something terrible happened to her? Had they had a car accident?
The three days they were away I was an anxious mess and felt completely lost.
When she returned I was whole again.
During this time we were in the court process. I requested that it be put in the orders that the next time he was away with our daughter, he allow me to speak with her and that he touch base with me from time to time. When they were away a few months later for six days, he abided by these orders to the absolute minimum. I spoke to her twice and I was still a mess. I remember having lunch with my girlfriends and just bursting into tears.
Since then they have been on several trips together. When my daughter had just turned four, they went away for two weeks. I got to speak to her once. And that was because there was a cyclone in the town that she was due to be in and I did not give up on calling and finding out where she was. I was scared for her safety and her life. In my ex’s defense, when we finally did get to talk, on that occasion I did get to speak to my daughter for almost an hour.
Usually, I don’t get to talk to her whilst she’s with her dad. I am mindful of the fact that I don’t want to impede on their time together. I also know that even if I did attempt to call or send a message, it’s unlikely he will respond. And the not responding or not getting back to me for days is what brings me more anxiety than anything else.
Is she OK? Has he run off with her?
And if my daughter wants to speak with me, she tells me her father won’t allow it.
My daughter has just turned five, and next week she will be going away with her dad for five days over Easter. It’ll be my first Easter, or special occasion, without her. Later this year I will have to say goodbye to her for almost three whole weeks.
People always ask me if it gets easier to say goodbye. And for me, I don’t think it does. But that is only because of our difficult co-parenting relationship, and the complete lack of communication that we have when she is away.
I look forward to the day when she is old enough to have her own phone and she can call me when she wants to. I can’t help but worry when she’s gone. And I don’t trust my ex at all.
Will he bring her back to me?
This is the main fear I have and is what keeps me up at night. And perhaps I’ll write about it one day…
But what I have gotten better at over time is being able to manage my concerns and my sadness whilst she is gone.
It’s knowing that she is happy, having lots of fun, and no doubt getting very spoiled. It’s distracting myself just enough so that it doesn’t consume me. It’s embracing the time I get to rejuvenate and have time to myself. And it’s trusting in the Universe that she will be brought back to me, and soon we will be back together, and then I will be whole once again.
P.S DID YOU KNOW?
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oh, that’s tough. It’s very unfortunate that he has to be like that. It would be so much better for the child if there was open and friendly communication. It’s hard to send them off with their dads, for any amount of time. I usually start out fine and those last few hours I start to feel so depressed waiting for her to return.
It is always so hard to say goodbye 🙁
It’s so unfortunate. I agree completely – it would be so much better for our daughter if we got along. Even today my daughter said to me “You and Daddy are not friends”. And I said “Daddy is my friend”, and she said “No he’s not. He doesn’t like you”. It breaks my heart for her.