I’m the only living parent, often faced with a tidal wave of emotions. There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t think about my son’s father. What would it be like if we had of made it through? Maybe I could have done something different? Am I responsible for his death?
I don’t know what the future holds and I can’t live in the past. What I do know is I have to be responsible in my explanations to my child. My son’s father was sick, his mental health was the greatest factor in his death.
My own father is alive but I know what it’s like to have dark feelings as a child. Feelings that I was not good enough for him. Feelings of rejection and self blame. Wondering why alcohol is more important than his daughter. I wish I had of felt like I could have talked about those feelings to my parents and my friends.
I don’t want my son to feel like he wasn’t worthy. I’m the only living parent so I’m the only one responsible. If I fail my child there is only one person to blame. Perhaps it’s best that way because I can take it, I’m strong and I am committed to building our son up on behalf of both of us.
Although I’m the only one alive, I see his father in him everyday, the way he bites his nails and wriggles his fingers. The way his voice vibrates when he talks for long periods of time.
Sometimes I wonder if his father watches me from wherever you go when you die, I hope he is proud of his son. Sometimes I wish I could just talk to him, for two minutes and tell him it’s okay. I forgive him for everything and I’m at peace with his death.
I also see a young boy who survived cancer and faces daily challenges in his young life that no child should have to take on. That’s right, I’m the only surviving parent and also a parent of a cancer survivor. Although that sounds so depressing, these days it’s almost a badge of honour, because we have made it through so much together.
If I could magically have my son completely understand one thing, it’s that his father’s death and my single parenting status do not define him in any way. It does not make him a statistic. It does not make him any less than a child with two parents.
I would have him know that he is wonderful in every way, and having a tough start in life has armed him with the ammunition to succeed; he can do anything.
We come into this world without a choice of who and what brings us here. We only have one life, we have to grab it by the reigns and live it up.
This is for all the Mums who are determined, passionate and driven while doing it solo. You deserve everything in life!
My name is Kate Shelby. I’m an Australian blogger, mother and lover of superheroes in tight pants. I am local to Brisbane where I raise my 3 children. Blogging for me is a means to tell my story & allow others to tell theirs.
Blog: australianmum.com
Facebook:facebook.com/australianmummy
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