The stark reality of post-separation abuse - Single Mother Survival Guide

For some women, deciding to leave a partner is an incredibly tough and brave decision to make. If it’s an abusive relationship, fear is also very present. It’s a dangerous time. But what about if the abuse continues post-separation? And what about if your previously charming or timid partner goes on a full-out attack after your separate? Post-separation abuse can occur any time after the decision to divorce is communicated. It is frightening how many women are dealing with post-separation abuse, and how rarely it is talked about.

In this blog post, I share 10 common forms of post-separation abuse, and some steps you can take if you are in this position.

10 common forms of post-separation abuse

1. Smear Campaign

This is a tactic used by an ex-partner to damage your reputation and control the narrative after a breakup. Here, your ex attempts to destroy your support network of friends, family, co-workers, church, etc… They may spread lies, vicious rumours, or exaggerate truths about you to friends, family, colleagues, or even your children to maintain control and isolating you by keeping people on their side and weakening your support system. They also do this to paint you as unstable or unreliable or to make others see you in a bad light which can isolate you and make it harder for you to keep mutual friends or build new relationships.

2. Harassment and Stalking

Harassment and stalking are common tools used by abusers to intimidate and control their victims even after a separation. This could be in the form of:

Excessive communication: a relentless barrage of calls, texts, emails, or even messages on social media.
Repeated unwanted contact: Showing up at your workplace, home, or stalking you in public places, despite your clear requests to leave you alone,
Verbal abuse: Using offensive language, threats, or insults to demean and frighten you.
Monitoring your whereabouts: Following you, using spyware to track your phone, computer, or car, or even enlisting others to keep tabs on you.
Threats: Making verbal, written, or implied threats of violence towards you or your loved ones to instil fear.

This constant intrusion can make you feel unsafe, anxious, and on edge. It disrupts your sense of security and makes it difficult to move on with your life. It’s also often, covert enough to avoid law enforcement.

3. Legal Abuse

Legal abuse is a tactic used by an abuser to manipulate the court system and legal proceedings to exert control and inflict emotional and financial harm on their ex-partner after a separation. The abuser appears charming and composed in court and with officials and can present a false persona. It’s a way to continue the abuse through legal channels. The abuser aims to maintain their power by dragging you through lengthy and expensive court battles to drain your resources and keep you entangled with them. They may also be doing it as a form of “revenge” or to punish you using the legal system as a weapon; trying to take away custody, assets, or anything else they know is important to you.

They may do this by:

Filing unnecessary legal claims to tie you up in court and rack up your legal fees.
Making unsubstantiated allegations about your parenting skills, finances, or mental health.
Withholding information, missing court dates, or delaying proceedings to prolong the process.

Legal abuse can be incredibly stressful and financially draining. It can also delay or hinder a fair resolution and can be damaging to children caught in the middle. The constant threat of legal action can create anxiety and fear, making you more likely to cave into their demands.

4. Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is a way for abusers to maintain control and inflict financial hardship and hurt on their ex-partner after a separation. It’s a way to make you dependent on them and limit your ability to rebuild your life independently. They might do this by:

Refusing to pay court-ordered alimony, child support, or their share of joint debts.
Diverting income or concealing assets to avoid fair division of property during divorce settlements.
Preventing you from accessing bank accounts, credit cards, or other financial resources.
Using your credit cards or opening new accounts in your name without your permission.
Interfering with your ability to work or study, limiting your financial independence.

When this occurs, it can make it difficult to afford basic necessities, housing, or childcare, leaving you feeling trapped, vulnerable, and extremely stressed impacting your mental and emotional well-being.

5. Counter-parenting or Neglectful/Abusive Parenting

In counter-parenting, the abuser is trying to maintain control and continue the abuse dynamics through the children, and making decisions based on hatred and revenge, not in the interest of the children. The abuser may also try to undermine the other parent’s relationship with their children. They may do this to try to make their ex look like a bad parent by criticising their parenting style, rules, or routines. Or they may manipulate the children to favour them and turn them against the other parent. Both to hurt you.

They might do this in the following ways:

They constantly criticise you to the children, portraying you in a negative light.
They deliberately contradict the rules and expectations set by you, creating confusion for the children.
They might withhold messages or information from you, disrupting communication and creating tension.
They try to win the children over by showering them with gifts or privileges that you maybe can’t or won’t provide.
They might make it difficult for you to see the children by being unreliable with pick-up/drop-off times or making false accusations.
They may expose the children to unsafe situations or people with the sole purpose of creating fear for you.

Counter-parenting can not only be extremely painful and hurtful to you but can also be very damaging to children’s emotional well-being in the process. It creates confusion, loyalty conflicts, and feelings of insecurity. Children might experience anxiety, depression, or behavioural problems as a result.

6. Alienation Allegations

Whilst parental alienation is a very real thing, in post-separation abuse, the abuser will allege that you are withholding or alienating the children when, in fact, you are not. These false accusations may be to deflect blame, to distract from their own abusive actions when it is, in fact, their behaviour that is causing the children to reject them, or it may be to try to make the victim appear manipulative and unfit to care for the children. It may also be to paint themselves as the victim and to gain support or sympathy from others, including legal professionals or family members.

7. Discarding

Here, the abuser will fight to the death for 50% (or more) parenting time in court and then discard the children after their “win” in court. They are not actually interested in getting a more favourable settlement or a bit more time with the kids – their objective is to win and they may want to hurt you in the process.

8. Manipulation

Manipulation is a form of abuse used to maintain control and inflict emotional harm on their ex-partner. It’s about using deceptive or indirect strategies to get what they want and undermine your sense of reality and self-worth. Abusers may use manipulation to continue controlling your life, to make you feel responsible for the abuse or the breakdown of the relationship, and/or to make you feel afraid, obligated, or guilty to get you to comply with their wishes.

They may do this through:

Constant guilt trips to remind you of past mistakes or sacrifices they made to make you feel indebted or responsible.
Portraying themselves as the victim, deflecting attention from their abusive behaviour.
Gaslighting you – more on this below.
Emotional blackmail – threatening to withhold finances, or contact with the children to get what they want.
Involving others, like friends or family, in arguments or conflicts to gain support or weaken your position (known as triangulation).
Only offering support when you agree with them or do what they want.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the abuser will deny or twist events, making you question your memory, perception of reality, and sanity. The abuser wants to erode your trust in yourself and your understanding of what happened in the relationship. This weakens you and makes you easier to control. They might do this by:

Flat-out denying ever saying or doing something, even when you have clear evidence.
Minimising or dismissing your feelings and experiences, making you feel like you’re overreacting.
Distorting events or reframing situations to make you question your own memory.
Turning things around to make you feel responsible for their abusive behaviour.

Manipulation (and gaslighting) can be incredibly damaging. It can leave you feeling confused, insecure, and emotionally drained. It can erode your self-esteem, make you question your sanity, and make it difficult to trust your own judgment. You might also start doubting your decisions and judgment, making you vulnerable to further manipulation.

9. Minimising

Minimising occurs when an abuser attempts to downplay or trivialise the seriousness of their abusive behaviour. It’s used to manipulate the victim and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. The abuser wants to deflect responsibility for their actions and make the victim feel like they’re overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing. They do this to try to maintain power and to make the victim believe no one will take their claims seriously, making them less likely to seek help.

They may do this by:

Making excuses for their behaviour, blaming stress, work, or even the victim themselves for provoking the abuse.
Downplaying the severity of the abuse by saying things like, “It wasn’t that bad,” “Everyone yells sometimes,” or “I was just joking.”
Comparing their behaviour to more extreme forms of abuse to make their actions seem less serious.
Simply denying the abuse ever happened altogether.

Minimising behaviour can make you feel like you’re overreacting, questioning your own perception of events and lead to confusion, self-doubt, and difficulty asserting boundaries.

10. Coercion

Coercion is a form of post-separation abuse used to control an ex-partner’s behaviour and decision-making, to punish the victim for asserting themselves, or to instil fear to keep them compliant.

It involves using threats, intimidation, or manipulation to force the victim to do something they are not comfortable with.

This can be through:

Threats of violence, harm to themself or others, taking away children, or withholding financial support.
Guilt trips or emotional blackmail.
Limiting the victim’s contact with friends, family, or support systems to make them more dependent and easier to control.
Threats of lawsuits, false accusations, or manipulating court proceedings to coerce the victim.

Coercion can be very stressful and emotionally draining for the victim. It can make the victim feel trapped, helpless, and afraid to assert their boundaries. It can also result in the victim agreeing to something they wouldn’t otherwise, like unfair custody arrangements or financial settlements.

Gosh, it’s quite depleting this list, isn’t it? If you’re going through post-separation abuse, I’m so sorry. I too have dealt with many of the above throughout the last 11 years – a smear campaign, harassment and stalking, legal abuse, counter-parenting, alienation allegations, and coercion.

What do you do when post-separation abuse is taking place?

Safety First. Post-separation abuse is a sign of a high-conflict divorce or separation and in these cases, the need for safety is a priority. In a high-conflict divorce, you must be prepared for an emergency at all times.

Here are four steps to help you prepare:

1. Safe People

In extreme cases, notify the Police.
Determine who you can count on to provide a safe space or support on short notice. Who can you call at 3 am to come over or pick you up? Who can watch the kids for you or give them rides? Where could you and the kids stay for a few days or weeks?
Consider changing your routines, getting a restraining order, and letting trusted people know what’s happening.
Ask yourself who else might need to be aware of your circumstances and let them know. This might include the teachers or principal at your child’s school, your employer, family, or neighbours.
Seek a therapist or coach who specialises in high-conflict divorce or high-conflict personalities so that you can distance and insulate yourself from the behaviour of the other person.
Research local shelters and resources and have contact information readily available.

2. Safe Money

Open a bank account in your name only (hint: not where you did your joint banking).
Get a credit card in your own name.
Check your credit report.
Begin accumulating money however you can – stash your paycheck (or part of it), do odd jobs, sell on eBay/ Etsy, or get cash back on your debit card at the grocery store.

3. Safe Communication

Set up a new email with a password your spouse can’t guess.
Change passwords on all your personal accounts.
Clear the cache, browser history and cookies from your computer and phone.
Set up a new Apple ID or Google account if you share with your spouse.
Establish your own phone plan (or get a prepaid phone) with a new number and share it only with trusted people.
Forward your mail to a PO Box or to a trusted friend’s address.
Get a communication strategy in place. Assume a judge or your children might read any communications between you and your ex.

4. Safe Storage

Document everything – what happened, how it impacted you emotionally and physically, how it impacted others in the family and external to the family. The documentation should be factual and not a blaming statement about the other person.
Have copies (and even better – originals) of financial records and important documents such as birth certificates, passports, tax returns, superannuation statements, bank statements, etc. Store the copies in a safe location separate from the originals.
Move passports, birth certificates, car titles, and jewellery to a safe place.

My best advice to you is to prepare for the worst. It’s better to have taken precautions you didn’t need than to be caught with your guard down and suffer the consequences.

P.S. DID YOU KNOW?

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