Three Common Co-parenting Styles.

Co-parenting. It’s a word that can evoke enough anxiety in someone to induce a panic attack. Or maybe it’s so smooth sailing, it doesn’t bring you a worry in the world.

Love it or hate it, it’s sure to be a conversation starter at any single mums group.

A lot of single mums whom I speak with when they first separate are adamant that everything will be amicable. They say they have agreed with their (ex) partner that everything will be respectful and they will have an excellent co-parenting relationship. They will even go on family holidays together! The optimism is at an all-time high.

In an ideal world, we would all have amazing relationships with the other parent of our children but, sadly, I have seen enough to know that it often doesn’t stay that way for long.

So what changes?

Often one party has a more aggressive lawyer, assets may be sold, there are financial disputes, one party may want to relocate, and most ex-partners do eventually (or sooner than was anticipated) move on. New partners can change everything!

Assuming both parents are in the picture and are in some form involved, there are three common co-parenting styles.

But first?

What do you think of as co-parenting?

People generally use the term “co-parenting” in two different ways. It can either be seen as the system when two parents work together to raise a child after separation or divorce. The emphasis here is on parents working *together*. The idea is that the parents are a team and work out what’s best for the child or children together, despite no longer being in a relationship.

Another way people define the term co-parenting is when both the separated or divorced parents share care of their child or children in any way, regardless of their relationship and communication style.

For the purpose of this article, I am going to define co-parenting as the latter.

Here are three common kinds of co-parenting styles.

1. High conflict co-parenting.

The high conflict co-parenting style is usually highly emotional and the least favourable form of co-parenting. Communication is often done through lawyers or other family members, and when not – it is highly toxic.

Every little discussion is likely to end up in a screaming match. Verbal insults and blame are thrown around, and past relationship challenges and arguments are re-hashed over and over again. Experts agree that when continued and ongoing, this co-parenting style is the most harmful to children of separation and divorce. Not only that, but it is incredibly draining for the adults involved too.

**TIP -AVOID direct contact with each other and always remain focused on your children’s needs.

My relationship with my daughter’s dad was like this for years. Sometimes it still is. Read this blog post for what helped me.

2. Parallel co-parenting.

Parallel co-parenting is a term that’s been thrown around a lot lately. It can often be the easiest on parents. It’s most commonly used by (ex) couples who may not particularly like each other but who are able to tolerate each other. And often, over time, parents are able to transition from a high conflict co-parenting style to a parallel co-parenting situation.

Parents who parallel co-parent frequently ignore each other and don’t tend to communicate or talk to each other much, if at all. They live their parenting lives very separately and rarely discuss parenting matters with each other. If they do talk – it’s very business-like, and no personal exchanges or information is shared. There is often a parenting plan in place and no changes are made without following strict guidelines that are usually in place including sufficient notice and a written agreement.

One of the drawbacks is that communication often ends up being through the children (which, P.S, some kids also use to their advantage).

3. Cooperative and collaborative co-parenting.

This is the dream and ideal scenario for kids. Although one which is very hard for many to reach (myself included). Often it takes many years to get to this point, and sometimes it doesn’t happen at all. This co-parenting style involves very low conflict, mutual respect, good and open communication, co-operation, collaboration and talking through and sharing parenting decisions.

Sounds easy in theory, right?

The thing is, you really need TWO people who are on the same page for this one. And for that reason, many people struggle. If there is one very angry or bitter party, for instance, it’s often not possible.

For me, something that I always come back to is the Serenity Prayer, or Acceptance Mantra as I like to call it: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. It reminds me that I can only control what I can from my end, and I can do my bit to make our co-parenting journey easier. And you know what? It has got easier! And maybe one day? We’ll even go on holidays together.

What kind of co-parenting relationship do you have?

P.S DID YOU KNOW?

Thrive Tribe – the global membership experience for single mothers – will be opening again for enrolment later this year. Join the waitlist here.