Tinder Surprise – Part 6

I started this Tinder Surprise Blog Post Series In January 2017.  It was the year I had decided to prioritize dating more. Funnily enough, I did meet a great guy that year, only it didn’t turn out too well.

The rest of the year was a bit hit and miss.

I decided that 2018 just wasn’t going to be my dating year, but perhaps I would start to prioritize it more in the middle of the year. But things didn’t quite turn out that way…

The thing about online dating is that it’s REALLY time-consuming. It’s practically a full-time job. I need a PA to high grade the potential dates for me. It’s not just a matter of swiping left or right. Back and forth messaging with the match is then needed to suss out if one would really want to go on a date with said match. Plus a security check is required. Are they who they say they are?

If they pass these tests, then babysitting (and a small loan) needs to be organized. Or alternatively, family members or friends organized who potentially (and well-meaningly) want to know every detail. Why are you even on Tinder? Isn’t that a sex site? Can’t you just meet someone in your daily life? The right person will just come along… 

Then there is the actual date itself when all we’d really love to do is fall into bed, or at least on the couch with a chai tea and watch The Bachelor.

Then, if there is some chemistry and a connection is made, it is favorable that the relationship gains some momentum. It, therefore, makes sense to communicate with them regularly and hopefully see them more than once every three weeks.

So… because of my other commitments in the first part of the year, plus other things I wanted to (and need to) prioritize, I told myself it wasn’t the right time. Who got time for all that? 

However, in January, I changed my mind. I had three setups arranged by friends of mine. And personally, I would much rather meet someone this way, where at least we would have a mutual friend, and not so much background digging needs to be done.

Moving forward this year, one of my strategies for dating is that I’m trying to stay more open minded. I’m not calling it off straight away if I’m not sure after the first date. Don’t get me wrong, if any deal breakers are discovered, it’s a hell no from me straight up. But if I’m not sure, I’ve decided to *try* and give it a second chance.

After I had been on these dates which had been set up (which were ok, and they were all nice enough, just not for me), I decided that I had missed dating a bit. I decided to give online dating another go. I *wanted* to date more. So I started to go on some dates…

First, there was Will (no real names in this article). He was a bit too keen, and I wasn’t interested enough. I had to go with my gut on calling this one early.

The next guy I spoke to on Tinder seemed nice enough at first. After messaging for a couple of days we spoke on the phone (see my key learnings below), and then we started to arrange a date.

The conversation went as follows…

Max: Are you free on Friday for a drink?

Me: Yes, I can meet you at 5 pm for a couple of hours. I’ll have to leave at around 7 pm. 

Now, I didn’t actually have anything on after 7 pm (and my daughter was with her dad that weekend), but my personal preference is to make the first date short and sweet. I had already received a vibe from him on how he hoped the night would end up, and I wanted to be quite clear that this would not be the case,

I think if you’re meeting for drinks, and don’t have a finish time in place, then it’s likely that you’ll drink more alcohol than usual, and perhaps like someone more than you usually would, or at least have clouded judgment. I take my dating pretty seriously because I don’t have a lot of time (and for all the above reasons). But if you want to stay all night, and see where the night takes you – all power to you girlfriend.

I also didn’t feel I had to give him an explanation. So I left it at that.

Max: Ummm 7 pm? Why only two hours? Don’t worry about it then, we’ll do it another night.

(Ummm, because I’ve never met you before, and you might be a creep, and I don’t need to sign away five hours of my life when I haven’t even met you yet.)

Me: That’s OK, Just so you know though, I always have short first dates. So whether it’s Friday or sometime next week, that’s all I can do at this point.

Max: I don’t do schedules. I can’t relax under time pressure. So unless you change your “rule”, there’s not going to be a date. 

Me: Then there will be no date. My life is all about schedules these days because I do things around my child and her routine. And I have my work. 

Max: I don’t even understand why you are on Tinder? You’re completely closing yourself off from having a relationship.

Me: I could say the same about you. I’ve told you I’m available for a two-hour date, yet that isn’t good enough for you. I’m not saying that moving forward, every date would be a maximum of two hours and I will leave two hours later on the dot. It’s just a first meeting, and that’s all I’m willing to offer at this stage.

Max: Good luck, obviously dating is not for you. Let me know if you’re free for longer next week

Me: Aaaaand we’re back to square one. 

Max: I like you already, I love a good debate. 

(You are driving me crazy, and I haven’t even met you.)

Me: I don’t think this is going to work out. All the best 🙂

Max: I thought for an intelligent girl you’d be a little bit more flexible.

BOOM. And there you have it.  A classic example of negging. There are two examples in there actually. If you haven’t heard of the term, it’s when someone subtly insults another to undermine their self-confidence so they might be more susceptible to their advances.

I decided to block him after that. I mean this was him on best behavior. Imagine being his girlfriend? No thanks. That’s a red flag right there for me.

Harry was another guy I met on Tinder. He seemed like a lovely normal guy. We had a lot in common (although he didn’t have any children). We went on three dates over a six week period. There wasn’t a huge amount of chemistry, but he was nice enough and this was me trying to stay open-minded. Although it started off subtly, I did suspect that he liked a bit of drama in a relationship. To me, it often felt like he was trying to start an argument. And I don’t have time for that. I want a drama free relationship. I have enough drama in my life with my daughter’s dad.

A handful of times he also said some things that were really quite insulting. Apparently, he wasn’t very good at verbal communication. So he liked to stick to a text where possible to prevent “accidental stuff-ups”. I let it slide a few times but when he *accidentally* told me that he was better than me, I’d had enough. He had in the same conversation told me that it was hard to gain momentum with me because I was so busy (which he understood). I agreed. I certainly had not been myself around him. I know that I did not come across as particularly keen (and it’s probably because I wasn’t). I didn’t prioritize making time for him because I didn’t have the time, and it wasn’t a priority for me at that stage,

So for now, I shall probably have a break and stay off online dating again. But, I do have a *crazy* dating story to tell you about next time that happened this year too. This one deserves a blog post all to itself. So stay tuned…

Lessons Learned Along the Way…

1. Take a break from online dating if necessary.
2. Be alert to red flags.
3. Stay open-minded but know your deal breakers.
4. If you’re not in the right head space, stay home!
5. Be very careful who you give a “yes” tick to when speed dating.
6. ALWAYS tell the truth about important things to dates because you never know who they know and it might come back to bite you.
7. Do not under any circumstance give anyone your number before you’ve met them in person, because you may be sent dick pics.
8. If they send you a link to their Facebook page, don’t accidentally like something on their page; they’ll know that you have been (not so subtly) stalking them.
9. Don’t give anyone ANY private information until you have met them in person and got to know them. In addition to your phone number, this includes your last name, Instagram, address, Facebook etc. This should go without saying, or maybe I’m super paranoid, but some people are crazy or creepy and you need to protect yourself and your children. It’s quite scary what you can find out about people online. Even if you give someone your phone number, they can find out your full name, and from there, whatever else they want to know about you that’s available on the internet.
10. Always meet in a public place and tell someone where you are going.
11. Just because someone is a parent, it doesn’t mean they are normal.
12. I repeat – just because someone is a parent, it doesn’t mean they are normal.
13. Before you go on a date with someone, speak to them on the phone. They will definitely ask for your phone number if they want to meet you, or talk to you. Politely decline and ask for their number instead. You don’t want to waste your time going on a date if there’s no connection whatsoever. In Australia, just dial #31# before entering their number, and your phone number will come up on their phone as a private number. I have to thank one of my single mum friends for that tip.
14. Some people are just peculiar. It is no reflection on you.
15. The silent treatment is not acceptable and may lead to ghosting down the track.
16. Even when you think you know someone, you may not.

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