Tinder Surprise – Part 7

Oh boy, where do I start?

I have two crazy dating “situations” that I have been dying to write about. Today I’m going to fill you in on one of them – an update on my ghoster. Remember him?

Check out this blog post if you have no idea what I’m talking about…

So, I actually spoke about the first part of this story on a previous podcast episode, but I haven’t written about it. So here goes…

The WTF? Phonecall

In December last year, I decided to call my ghoster to try to find out what happened. It had been six months since he flicked me to the curb without telling me we spoke. I still felt very confused about being treated this way by someone I dearly cared for. I guess I felt like I never had closure. Plus I really wanted to give him a piece of my mind.

I didn’t, however, expect to actually speak with him.

I knew he wouldn’t answer if I called from my number, and he never used to answer calls from private numbers (I think I now know why – more on that later), so imagine my surprise when he answered.

Hi. I said. It’s Julia.

Silence.

I told him that as it was coming to the end of the year, I wanted to wrap up a few things and hence the call.

So, what happened? I said. Where did you go?

What resulted was a big sigh followed by the statement that he had left me voice messages (which I had received none of). Don’t you think it’s strange that I received every single one of your voice messages up until that date? I questioned him. It seems strange that I didn’t receive any of these supposed voice messages after the day I last heard from you… And then he borderline blamed me for not getting in touch with him (even though I had multiple times via three different mediums).

It actually made me quite cross to be blatantly lied to. He then told me that he read my blog post about him ghosting me and it had infuriated him. I found this confusing.

Why? I asked him.

Because I told you I didn’t ghost you. I left you messages.

I found this incredibly frustrating. Firstly, I wrote the blog post six weeks after I last heard from him. And secondly, he knew where I lived. So I questioned why he didn’t then follow up with me if he had read it.

If you read the blog post, then why didn’t you think “Shit! Julia thinks I’ve ghosted her, I better get my ass to her house and tell her that I’ve tried to contact her.”

We spoke for a fair while but I did not get any answers apart from the fact that he admitted he had been stubborn. But what I had wanted was a reasonable explanation. An apology. An acknowledgment of unacceptable behaviour.  

I did, however, get to tell him my thoughts. And part of that was that what he did was very cruel to my daughter and also his kids. One of the things that had hurt me the most was that my daughter was terribly confused about what happened to him and his kids; she was very sad. Another was that I didn’t get to say goodbye to his kids. I loved them a lot. And it felt good to tell him my views on that. And I did feet lighter afterward.

THE PLOT THICKENS!!!

Fast forward to seven months later (just a couple of weeks ago)….

I was out at lunch with my girlfriends when I received an email from a woman who had read my previous articles on ghosting. It turned out she had just been ghosted herself and after googling this behaviour stumbled across my website.

She wrote:

Hey Julia,

Just wanted to get in touch to say hello and thanks for your post last year about your online dating experience…sounds so familiar to what has just happened to me, including the ghosting!! The age, location, and number of kids of the guy, and the boat are all the same…surely it can’t be him given how many guys there are in Sydney but it is familiar! Regardless, what douches!

Anyway, thanks for using your experience to write to help mamas like me gain some comfort and perspective.

Hope you are having a lovely weekend 🙂

What followed that evening was a series of emails to each other about ghosting. In one of them, I asked her what letter her ghoster’s name started with. The details did seem eerily similar. She replied with the same letter as my ghoster’s first name. I then asked what letter his surname started with and she replied with two words. His full name. My blood went cold.

My ghoster was her ghoster.

It was the same guy.

We ended up speaking on the phone that night for almost two hours. We shared stories and we discovered that he had used the same lines on both of us. We had both been played. The scary thing is that we are both alert to red flags, and neither of us saw this coming.

The way I see it, there are two possibilities: either he is a complete coward, or he is a legit psychopath.

If you want to know what constitutes a psychopath, check out this article. The article suggests that a psychopath will exhibit some of the following traits:

• They are uncaring – are callous and show a lack of empathy. Tick.
• They show a lack of emotions – especially emotions of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. Tick (clearly!)
• They play the blame game. Hmmmm.
• They are insincere – portray superficial charm, are untruthfulness, and flat out lie. Even conning others for personal profit or pleasure. More on this shortly.
• Overconfidence – (apparently our ghoster talked himself up as a sex GOD. Ummmm. Sorry Not sorry. You weren’t that great mate).
• Impulsive – he even admits this on his dating profile – and passive avoidance and trouble with processing emotions.
• Selfish. Need I say more?

Personally, I’m leaning towards psychopath.

I was shocked by the similarities between both of our experiences with him.  I know it sounds bad, but we both suspect he plays the widower card to get trust with the ladies (and as several people have asked me, yes, his wife definitely passed away).

This man is next level. And let’s just say it seems his boat has been “christened” several times, as this was a line he used on both of us. Imagine how many more?

To be completely honest, and I shared this with my new friend too, to hear that he had done this to at least one other person reaffirmed that it had nothing to do with me. I felt lighter knowing that it was all him. But I woke up the next morning feeling quite sad about it all again. I really thought our relationship had meant something to him but hearing from the other lady, I now know that he was full of lies. Our relationship was fake. His love was fake. Our relationship meant nothing.

I also found out things that made me realise I didn’t know that man at all. He has done things that I did not expect. And I say this at the risk of retribution but I’m horrified by actions like this and feel a need to speak up about it. I also have a legal team standing right behind me buddy (just in case you are reading this)… I suspect he filmed (without permission) private moments that we had. At the time I had questioned him, and he denied it. But I didn’t listen to my gut. I did know photos were taken without permission. I requested that he delete them. I trusted at the time that he did, but now I doubt it. I have no trust in this man. It turns out I didn’t know him at all.

The good thing that came out of this whole experience was that I connected with this lovely lady and we have developed quite a good bond. We suspect we are not the only ones who have been subjected to this behaviour of his (P.S if you suspect you have been ghosted by the same man, we have started a support group. You can join it right HERE (I’m kidding, but oh so tempted).

I also discovered the following things:

• I now know why he doesn’t answer calls from private numbers… I’m not sure how many girls he has pissed off and left feeling sad and confused.
• I now know why someone left a human poo on his doorstep when we were together – I was so confused about that at the time (not to mention disgusted). But it makes sense now (P.S Personally I wouldn’t do that, but part of me secretly (or not so secretly) now thinks it’s hilarious that someone did that to him).

Next time I will fill you in on the other “situation”… the 39-year-old virgin. #cantmakethisstuffup.

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Lessons Learned Along the Way…

1. Take a break from online dating if necessary.
2. If someone leaves a poo on your boyfriend’s doorstep, it may be because someone is getting their revenge. Question this. A lot.
3. The power of the sisterhood is amazing.
4. Be alert to red flags.
5. Stay open-minded but know your deal breakers.
6. If you’re not in the right head space, stay home!
7. Be very careful who you give a “yes” tick to when speed dating.
8. ALWAYS tell the truth about important things to dates because you never know who they know and it might come back to bite you.
9. Do not under any circumstance give anyone your number before you’ve met them in person, because you may be sent dick pics.
10. If they send you a link to their Facebook page, don’t accidentally like something on their page; they’ll know that you have been (not so subtly) stalking them.
11. Don’t give anyone ANY private information until you have met them in person and got to know them. In addition to your phone number, this includes your last name, Instagram, address, Facebook etc. This should go without saying, or maybe I’m super paranoid, but some people are crazy or creepy and you need to protect yourself and your children. It’s quite scary what you can find out about people online. Even if you give someone your phone number, they can find out your full name, and from there, whatever else they want to know about you that’s available on the internet.
12. Always meet in a public place and tell someone where you are going.
13. Just because someone is a parent, it doesn’t mean they are normal.
14. I repeat – just because someone is a parent, it doesn’t mean they are normal.
15. Before you go on a date with someone, speak to them on the phone. They will definitely ask for your phone number if they want to meet you, or talk to you. Politely decline and ask for their number instead. You don’t want to waste your time going on a date if there’s no connection whatsoever. In Australia, just dial #31# before entering their number, and your phone number will come up on their phone as a private number. I have to thank one of my single mum friends for that tip.
16. Some people are just peculiar. It is no reflection on you.
17. The silent treatment is not acceptable and may lead to ghosting down the track.
18. Even when you think you know someone, you may not.
19. Listen to your gut.

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P.S DID YOU KNOW?

You can book one-on-one coaching with Julia Hasche from wherever you are in the world!

• Have you just parted ways with your partner, and feeling lost?
• Have you been single for a little while now and need assistance with getting your life back on track and feeling empowered?

Click HERE to read about coaching and read some testimonials, and book here for your complimentary Clarity Call.  

The purpose of the Clarity Call is:

1. For me to get to know you and understand an overview of your current situation and where you are at.
2. For us to establish what you need assistance with to move forward.
3. To see if we are a good fit to work together.

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